What insight could an Etsy package give me in my early eating disorder recovery?

The insight my Etsy parcel gave me in regards to my eating disorder recovery

The Arrival

As a young teen embarking on my recovery journey, I remember one day I received a parcel that literally sat untouched on my porch for days. Like what teenager doesn't continuously check the mail and postal delivers for their packages upon arriving? Usually I get excited when parcels are delivered in my name, as it doesn't happen often. And it's even less often that one would wind up on my door step without my knowledge- because lets face it, if I'm getting a package outside of the typical holiday window, it's usually because I ordered something off the internet. But this wasn't like my usual deliveries. This one was different. 

Avoidance 

While it was a semi familiar box, I couldn't bring myself to open it. As a newbie in recovery from my eating disorder and embarking on this foreign and scary journey, I remember getting a notification that I had a parcel. "Ding! Ding!" went my iPhone, but I hadn't ordered anything and so this was weird. Maybe I ordered something from Lululemon that I had forgotten about? No that  couldn't be it, I had been avoiding purchasing clothes due to the impeding doom that loomed over me in anticipation that my body would most definitely be changing. And we were avoiding that, at least for now, and by we, I mean myself and my puppy, Halo Grace, my mini aussie doodle and new found recovery buddy. 

And so, since we couldn't bare the thought of having ordered a package from clothing store that may or may not be returned, it literally sat untouched on my porch for days. While it was a semi familiar box, I couldn't bring myself to open it.

Anticipation

The presence of the package grew and grew. Like a balloon that you were over blowing up as a child, "just a little bit more air won't hurt" you'd think to yourself, "keep going" and let's see how much air can fit within the boarders of this rubbery and now semi salty and very slobbery contraption. As the balloon expands, you can see the air consuming all the vacant space, and as wait in anticipation and cringe as you somewhat expect to brace for impact of a balloon about to burst. Suddenly, that same balloon catches the eyes of everyone in the room, as its obviously going to expand to the point of no return, others around you also cringe out of fear that the next blow would result in a "POP" so loud it sends your head back a little bit in astonishment that such a small object could make such a big impact.
Like an over zealous and excited child blowing up a balloon to the maximum, the parcel in the corner weighed heavily on me, bringing me down mentally and reminding me of something I was intentionally ignoring- dreading actually.

The Unveiling

I allowed my anxiety to take over and sank deeper into my thoughts riddled with fear and confused by my paralyzing worries of opening the parcel. But eventually, I couldn't ignore it any more. So I brought the parcel inside and carefully removed the packaging. Layer by layer, I peeled back the tissue paper, unwrapping each individual sheet that had been placed around it.

Each layer felt heavier than the last, but I knew I had to continue. I was the only one who could do this work. As I reached the final layer, my panic returned. But this time, I no other choice but to faced my fear. And so I continued. Once I finally held the parcel in my hands, light and delicate, but oh so powerful. There in my hands was an acrylic trinket, it shimmered and glistened in the light. 

On it was a quote from Rumi: 

"Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

While it is a quite popular and trendy quote, for me, this quote speaks to the importance of examining ALL the barriers we've built within ourselves, especially, in the context of ED recovery. All of the walls we put up around ourselves as a way of protecting our fragile hearts from the dangers encapsulating our world.

Fallacy of Society

Society often reinforces harmful ideas about body image and our worth- which is tied to our gravitational pull to the planet that we are currently standing on in relation to the sun, making it easy to internalize those messages. But those messages only harm us, causing insurmountable guilt and shame.

Even still, it's up to us to do the HARD work of breaking down those barriers and seeking self love and ultimately acceptance for ourselves as we are in this current moment.  As a young adult in eating disorder recovery, I know firsthand the importance of community care and support. I know the power that shame has over us.

 Isolation, Loneliness, and so much sadness comes as a result of all the shame we carry.

The cure

Real, raw, connection with others through shared experiences. The vulnerability and openness, while scary, can shed light on the path to true recovery and a life worth living. 

The Mission

Should you choose to accept-

We NEED to prioritize resources & access to care for ALL BODIES, especially those who are of marginalized groups, who may face even more systemic barriers to recovery. We also need to create safe and ultimately brave spaces where individuals can feel comfortable sharing their experiences & can show up, openly seeking support. 

My Personal Mission & Call to Action-

Opening that parcel was such a small act, AND it reminded me of the amazing power of determination and the importance of doing "the HARD work" and "all the damn things" to break down the barriers within ourselves. Let's continue to support one another in this journey toward self acceptance and revolutionary recovery that is for EVERY Body and ALL Bodies.

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